Mess

This place is a mess
I yelled over the cacophony in my head
The barking dog, the roar of fighting children, 
Netflix, Minecraft, and husband’s busyness
Slamming doors and undone chores 
And three brand-new pounds
Bequeathed to me by an intense pint of Cherries Garcia 
Still standing open beside my spoon licked clean 
I worked breathlessly, created a peaceful space 
In a stone house with hardwood floors and— 
Stop screaming at your brother!
Listen to me—I am your mother!
No regard for her feelings or my own
And now I sound just like my mom...
Another door slammed and—
How did I morph into this enraged beast? 
I fall in a heap in my closet floor
Because I cannot function anymore
Broken mind still spinning like a circus wheel high or low, 
My stomach churned and choked with each rotation
Where did that mom get her motivation?
I’ll never get it right— 
Look at her dress!
My husband deserves much better than this,
Even if he set the kitchen on fire, again, yesterday.
Hot in flashes, not in a cool way, 
I should’ve changed the sheets today—
The laundry fresh but still unfolded
And some still in the washer molded
At least I’m clean-ish, but look at that shower
The tiles falling off and no water power
Pile of distinctly coconut, root-undyed hair
And I fall listlessly in my reading chair 
I dug deep, but it’s just not there
Looked for the kindness in me everywhere
Get it right, don’t fall, they said
But their instruction went right out my head
A list of rules streaked s mile wide
Do this, not that, be dignified
But where do I hide?
I took another look around my study 
Wished for just one good buddy
To show up, tell me it will be okay
Even though it definitely didn’t look that way 
At any moment, I could go astray
I slipped down on my knees to pray 
I had no words—I felt so caught
And poured it out—Lord, it’s a lot.